Bumper...Tickers?

Well as I'm sure absolutely everyone is aware of by now, '08 is an election year. If you missed the relentless campaign ads, myriad political signs and overly enthusiastic roadside supporters, you can always tell an election is near from another source: bumper stickers. Now, I'm not sure who decided it, or when it happened, but somewhere along the line people decided that there was no more appropriate, nor more convenient, place to express their deepest held beliefs and opinions than on the back of their car. Rednecks everywhere must be proud as hell.

Obama, Hillary, McCain, Huckabee, Paul. The names are plastered across the backs of cars all across America. And it's a damn good thing too. If it weren't for multitudes of names driving past me everyday on my way to work and to the movies and pretty much anywhere else I go, I don't think I'd know who to vote for. Luckily, such a problem does not exist. Selfless patriots for democracy all across my state, and indeed the country, have stepped forward to display their choice for the next leader of our country. I'm glad they have. In my car I keep a running tally and you'd better believe I'm casting my vote for the candidate whose name adorned the back of the most vehicles on the highways I travel. But not only have they displayed the name of the candidate they wish to compel me to vote for, they are clearly making a statement about the adversities we are facing as a nation, as well as the convictions and philosophical ideals they hold most dear. Dammit these protectors of our democratic institution should be given a second vote for caring so much. So from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to say to everyone out there who currently (or has ever) put a political bumper sticker on the back of their vehicle this: Nobody cares. So go to hell and get out of my way so I can get where I need to go without your views blinding me on the way there.

Let me make my views clear so there is no misunderstanding: Using a $2.99 bumper sticker to voice your opinions on complex topics such as politics, religion and philosophy is about the dumbest thing an intelligent individual can attempt to accomplish. Likewise, it's not a great option for legitimately stupid people either. I've never really understood the idea here to be honest. Oh I think that politician over on that side of the political spectrum is full of shit. To show my dismay I'm going to voice my support for this candidate over here on this side of the political spectrum who I think just might be slightly less full of shit. Ok, so then what? Do these people really just want everyone to know who they're going to vote for? Maybe, I mean it's not completely out of the question I suppose. But it's unlikely. It's unlikely because many people guard this information with every fiber of their being, scared that it could cause one of those horrible, confrontational political debates that seem to happen when you announce who it is you're going to vote for. Perhaps they do it so that they can get the word out for their candidate, free advertising for the person they think is the best choice. In some strange way perhaps they think they're actually influencing the votes of random people who see their car and think, Hey, that's a nice car. Would ya look at that? The owner of that car is voting for Hillary Clinton this year. Shucks, that's good enough for me. Hillary it is? I mean c'mon. Seems even more unlikely. But I'm sure that people asked this question would answer with something similar to this. But what's the truth?

Well even though ostensibly these people are simply proud to support a particular candidate (and I'm sure a small percentage are), I think there are ulterior motives here. Call me cynical, but I do. I think people use political bumper stickers as a conspicuous proclamation that they not only understand the essence of a very complicated political system (and believe me, it is complicated), but they also genuinely care. That's right, I'm saying people have these dumbass bumper stickers on their cars so they can bitch in the future and feel justified and furthermore so that they can have a free membership to the "I'm involved and I care" club. It's kind of like driving a hybrid. It's fashionable.

Don't get me wrong, I'm basically against all bumper stickers, not just political ones. I have many reasons but one is that I'm a car guy and I can't imagine defacing my vehicle by putting a bigass sticker with a stupid statement on it. The other is that they just don't do a damn thing. As I stated previously, if you have a serious statement and you think you can fit it within the confines of a six inch sticker, go ahead. But you're probably wrong. That having been said, I thought I'd finish off my sharing a few bumper stickers I actually did enjoy. Why did I enjoy these particular choices after shitting on bumper stickers for several paragraphs? Because they made me laugh, pure and simple. Enjoy:

-Jesus Loves You. But everyone else thinks you're an asshole-

-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory-

-Impotence: Natures way of saying "No Hard Feelings"-

-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person-

-You! Out of the gene pool!-

-Guns kill people like spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat-

-My feminine side is lesbian-

-I read about the evils of beer, so I quit reading-

-I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like his passenger-

I didn't say they were genius, I just said they made me laugh. Now go outside and take that damn bumper sticker off your car so I don't almost get in an accident trying to read it. Again.

Don't Judge Me

So I'm sitting here watching Letterman, realizing it's been a long time since my last post, and it occurs to me that I have plenty of time to do one right now. Lucky everyone. So back after a shortishly-long hiatus, here I am. What to talk about, what to talk about. Well, speaking of Letterman, one of my favorite supermodels (I consider myself something of a connoisseur), Marisa Miller, is going to be on tonight. This excites me very much. She's the kind of gorgeous that necessitates magazines such as Sports Illustrated Swimsuit just to document proof that women who look like her exist in the real world. Rather than just inside of the heads of men all over the world. She's unbelievably beautiful. However, as I write that it occurs to me that the word beautiful is thrown around too much to do her justice. Women like her deserve their own term. Since I'm not busy and I care so much, I'll come up with a word for her right now. I know what you're thinking, but scrumtrulescent is already taken. Great word though. But my new word has to sound sexy, desirable and its gotta be fun to say. Well I'm going to need a minute to think of something, so we'll come back to that.

I went to court today. I went to court because I have a seemingly inherent inability to obey traffic laws. I'll admit it. I've been driving for about 7 years now and I'm not sure a day has gone by that I drove an automobile and managed not to break at least one law in some way. I drive too fast, I accelerate quickly, I change lanes suddenly and without using a signal and that's just on a normal day. Over the years with my friends I've done some truly dangerous stuff and some admittedly stupid stuff as well. That having been said, I never, ever get caught for doing the really dumb shit. My luck dictates that after I get off a motorcycle that I just maxed out on the highway at 160mph, I'll get pulled over in a Toyota Tercel doing 48 in a 40 on my way to the grocery store. I know, I shouldn't complain about getting picked up for the "little" infraction rather than something that could land me in jail, it just seems ridiculous and pointless somehow. Anyway, I was visiting my friendly neighborhood courthouse today because back in November I allegedly ran a red light in plain sight of a police officer. I, of course, thought I made the yellow and he clearly didn't. Anyway, I have plenty of experience with tickets, and I always fight them. I encourage you to do the same. Why? Two reasons: 1) It always takes a few months before your court date and that means a delay before you have to pay the fine. 2) You never know, you might get lucky. If you don't believe me I'll put my own experience out there for you. I don't remember the exact number but off the top of my head I believe this was the 7th or 8th time I've been to court to fight a ticket. Of those 7 or 8 tickets I have paid 2 and half of a 3rd. Yup, Fuck Tha Po-lice.

This has been a long preamble to arrive at my main point. Traffic court sucks. I've never done anything (well, never been caught doing anything) worthy of placing me in a criminal court, so I have no experience there. But at traffic court it's just you, the cop and the judge. Generally speaking, the officer is an idiot. I know, I know, but this isn't just cop hate. They never really help you because they almost never manage to answer even the most basic questions appropriately. Not to mention, at this point they're powerless. The judge is the one who decides whether you leave elated or infuriated. So you try to explain your argument to the judge to avoid paying the ticket. The problem is, it's a one sided argument. You bitch about how wrong the cop is, and the judge just stares at you blankly. Then, after you're done, it's the judges turn. It invariably involves a lecture about how wrong you were and how and why to be more safe in the future. But this is the first you get to hear the judges side and you aren't allowed to argue. As an example, I've got some excerpts from my court appearance today. These aren't direct quotes but they'll give you an idea of what I'm talking about.

Judge: After she completely misinterpreted a crucial fact in the case (as was admitted by the officer after her decision), I attempt to correct her. "You'll sit there quietly, this is not a discussion. I'm going to talk now." Sweet, thanks.

About my argument that in this instance it was better to continue through the intersection than slam on my brakes and slide into the middle of it: "It is ALWAYS a safer, better decision to lock up your brakes and come to a stop in the middle of an intersection than fly through it. Cars are made to be hit in the front and to be hit in the rear. They aren't made to be hit in the sides." Gee, I thought cars were made to be driven. Besides, wouldn't stopping in an intersection create a perfect T-bone situation?

Finally coming to her conclusion: "It doesn't matter that there were no other cars around, somebody could have hit you. This is a dangerous habit to form." That's a head scratcher.

Anyway, needless to say I lost the case. Which is fine. Even though I didn't put anybody in danger, it's perfectly possible that I didn't make the light and I flew through a red light. What I can't stand is the condescending demeanor with which I was treated and the judge's ability to be an idiot while overruling any argument I might make, regardless of its legitimacy. The judge didn't know what she was talking about, but that didn't matter. She is beyond reproach. Which is fortunate for her, because she was the John Madden of jurisprudence. Except that instead of pointing out the incredibly obvious, she pointed out the incredibly stupid and illogical.

Anyway, sorry to vent to you after being gone so long but what can I say, I'm selfish as hell. I really should be going now, it looks like the ultrabangasmic Marisa Miller is about to make her appearance. Oh, you like my new word? Yeah, me too. I decided to abandon the sexy part and just make it juvenile and awesome. I think I succeeded. But please, resist the urge to use this fantastic new phrase for everything you think is cool or desirable. If you do that, it will lose its very special meaning. And I'll have to come up with yet another word, which is something nobody wants. Have an ultrabangasmic week.

-Huh, what's that? Fuck you. I invented the word, I'll use it as much as I damn well please-

New Year's Revolutions

So the start of the new year is upon us and I'm sure that many people, if not most people, have created some resolutions. Lose weight, clean out the garage, learn to salsa dance, that sort of thing. Here's the thing about New Year's Resolutions though: they're bullshit. Yup, bullshit. If you've made a resolution in the past that you stuck to or are still sticking to, good for you, but the truth is most people see it as a temporary promise they can forget a month down the line. Why? Because that's what the majority of people do.

As for myself, I don't make resolutions, not in the typical sense anyway. Instead I do a couple of things. First I look back on the previous year and ask myself if I'm better off now than I was 1 year ago from that day. Maybe I'm happier overall, or I bought the car I've wanted for a long time (I did), or I finally wrote an entire book (did that too), just anything that I think puts me in a better position in my life than I was in before this past year began. In a good year this allows me to reflect back and appreciate my accomplishments; in a bad year it motivates me to move on to step 2. Step 2 involves planning for my reflection next year. When I look back next year how will I want to remember this year? Did I elevate myself in some way? For example, I'd like to write another book this year. Maybe this one actually gets published, who knows. It sounds like a resolution but it's not. It isn't always that specific. I simply want to improve myself from this year to next.

If you're wondering what the difference is here's an example. The big resolution is, of course, lose weight. People write it down on their calendars: January 1 - Lose 20 lbs. There, a goal to journey towards. But it's a bullshit goal and it's unrealistic. Most people don't even know what it means to lose 20 lbs, let alone understand that they may be replacing fat with muscle, which weighs more. Instead, I suggest promising to yourself that you'll exercise at least 3 times a week, every week. Or take up an active hobby like softball or basketball or bicycling. Because when you look back next year you'll be able to focus in on being more healthy rather than missing an arbitrary number that you pulled out of your (fat) ass.

So, in lieu of a specific goal or list of goals I encourage you to simply embrace your life and choose to be better this year. Healthier, happier, stronger, smarter. Whatever gets you excited. Decide that 2008 will kick ass and embark on the trek of 366 days (it's a leap year) with this core philosophy. Repeat it like a mantra if you have to. Don't worry about not having time or not having money or all of the excuses we all use to put off the things we want to do. Do it. Live this year. If you do nothing else, make sure you can cross off one thing you want to do before you die from your list. Don't make excuses. Think about yourself 12 months in the future and ask if you'll forgive yourself for not having tried. Yeah you were busy and kind of broke, but will you care about those things a year from now? Or will you care that you can look back on the year and point to that thing and say, "There, I did that thing. Everything else aside, I accomplished that." Just do something. Because that's all life is. We live it in days, weeks, months and years. Make this year great. Best wishes for '08.

WWW #18

Happy New Year everyone, I hope your night of transition was as fun and crazy as mine was. I've been a bit sporadic with posts the last couple of weeks but things should be settling down now and I'll be back on top of this blog. Without further ado, today's WWW:

A habit is exactly as strong as you are weak. -JT

I thought that was appropriate given the resolutions that people have made and will most likely abandon sometime around February 1st. Don't let that happen. Pick something you truly think will improve your life and stick with it. Later.

Merry Christmas

I just got done watching my quintessential Christmas movie, The Muppets Christmas Carol, and thought I'd get one here to throw out some seasons greetings.

I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

Have fun out there and enjoy the holiday.

WWW #17

I didn't post earlier this week like I normally do because things have been hectic. But I have a chance right now to throw a Wednesday Words of Wisedumb at ya, so that's what I'm going to do:

I truly believe that one of the keys to happiness involves finding a hobby you're really passionate about and sinking all of the time and money you can afford to into it. -JT

WWW #16

So for this WWW, I decided to let someone else's words be read here. I got this as an email, and after researching it there seems to be some debate as to how much of it was actually written by the alleged author. He definitely wrote most of it, but some bits are disputed. For two reasons I'm posting the whole thing under his name anyway. First, a lot of it was in fact written by Ben Stein (the monotone teacher from the Wonder Years) and the parts that were not aren't 100% decided upon. Second, I don't give a shit because I like the message as a whole and this is my damn blog so I'll post it here as his work regardless of what the truth is. Without further ado:

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart: I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are.

I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either.

Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all about Tom Cruise's wife. Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a subversive?

Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. If this is what it means to no longer be young, it's not so bad.

Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year.

It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away. I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians.

I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my throat. Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking. Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.

She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out.

How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?" In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.

I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.

The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself.

And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide).

We said an expert should know what he's talking about and we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.

I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW." Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Y'shua friend.

Shalom!

-Ben Stein


Just something to think about during the Christmas season. Have a good week.