Bumper...Tickers?

Well as I'm sure absolutely everyone is aware of by now, '08 is an election year. If you missed the relentless campaign ads, myriad political signs and overly enthusiastic roadside supporters, you can always tell an election is near from another source: bumper stickers. Now, I'm not sure who decided it, or when it happened, but somewhere along the line people decided that there was no more appropriate, nor more convenient, place to express their deepest held beliefs and opinions than on the back of their car. Rednecks everywhere must be proud as hell.

Obama, Hillary, McCain, Huckabee, Paul. The names are plastered across the backs of cars all across America. And it's a damn good thing too. If it weren't for multitudes of names driving past me everyday on my way to work and to the movies and pretty much anywhere else I go, I don't think I'd know who to vote for. Luckily, such a problem does not exist. Selfless patriots for democracy all across my state, and indeed the country, have stepped forward to display their choice for the next leader of our country. I'm glad they have. In my car I keep a running tally and you'd better believe I'm casting my vote for the candidate whose name adorned the back of the most vehicles on the highways I travel. But not only have they displayed the name of the candidate they wish to compel me to vote for, they are clearly making a statement about the adversities we are facing as a nation, as well as the convictions and philosophical ideals they hold most dear. Dammit these protectors of our democratic institution should be given a second vote for caring so much. So from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to say to everyone out there who currently (or has ever) put a political bumper sticker on the back of their vehicle this: Nobody cares. So go to hell and get out of my way so I can get where I need to go without your views blinding me on the way there.

Let me make my views clear so there is no misunderstanding: Using a $2.99 bumper sticker to voice your opinions on complex topics such as politics, religion and philosophy is about the dumbest thing an intelligent individual can attempt to accomplish. Likewise, it's not a great option for legitimately stupid people either. I've never really understood the idea here to be honest. Oh I think that politician over on that side of the political spectrum is full of shit. To show my dismay I'm going to voice my support for this candidate over here on this side of the political spectrum who I think just might be slightly less full of shit. Ok, so then what? Do these people really just want everyone to know who they're going to vote for? Maybe, I mean it's not completely out of the question I suppose. But it's unlikely. It's unlikely because many people guard this information with every fiber of their being, scared that it could cause one of those horrible, confrontational political debates that seem to happen when you announce who it is you're going to vote for. Perhaps they do it so that they can get the word out for their candidate, free advertising for the person they think is the best choice. In some strange way perhaps they think they're actually influencing the votes of random people who see their car and think, Hey, that's a nice car. Would ya look at that? The owner of that car is voting for Hillary Clinton this year. Shucks, that's good enough for me. Hillary it is? I mean c'mon. Seems even more unlikely. But I'm sure that people asked this question would answer with something similar to this. But what's the truth?

Well even though ostensibly these people are simply proud to support a particular candidate (and I'm sure a small percentage are), I think there are ulterior motives here. Call me cynical, but I do. I think people use political bumper stickers as a conspicuous proclamation that they not only understand the essence of a very complicated political system (and believe me, it is complicated), but they also genuinely care. That's right, I'm saying people have these dumbass bumper stickers on their cars so they can bitch in the future and feel justified and furthermore so that they can have a free membership to the "I'm involved and I care" club. It's kind of like driving a hybrid. It's fashionable.

Don't get me wrong, I'm basically against all bumper stickers, not just political ones. I have many reasons but one is that I'm a car guy and I can't imagine defacing my vehicle by putting a bigass sticker with a stupid statement on it. The other is that they just don't do a damn thing. As I stated previously, if you have a serious statement and you think you can fit it within the confines of a six inch sticker, go ahead. But you're probably wrong. That having been said, I thought I'd finish off my sharing a few bumper stickers I actually did enjoy. Why did I enjoy these particular choices after shitting on bumper stickers for several paragraphs? Because they made me laugh, pure and simple. Enjoy:

-Jesus Loves You. But everyone else thinks you're an asshole-

-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory-

-Impotence: Natures way of saying "No Hard Feelings"-

-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person-

-You! Out of the gene pool!-

-Guns kill people like spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat-

-My feminine side is lesbian-

-I read about the evils of beer, so I quit reading-

-I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like his passenger-

I didn't say they were genius, I just said they made me laugh. Now go outside and take that damn bumper sticker off your car so I don't almost get in an accident trying to read it. Again.