I just got done watching game 6 of the Celtics - Magics series in the NBA playoffs and I'm pissed. No, worse, I'm infuriated. I didn't think I could be this over a loss that didn't end our season. But I am. I've already yelled and punched things and yelled some more. That didn't seem to help. So I'm doing the other thing I do to vent, I'm writing. Maybe talking to an imaginary group of faceless people through here will make me feel better. Can't hurt.
Why am I so pissed? Glad you asked. Maybe because we started off so well. Maybe because we looked like a bunch of high schoolers for most of the second half. Maybe because we turned the ball over 200 times. Or maybe because the Magic played the worst possible elimination game we could have hoped for and we still managed to fuck it up. Maybe because the only team that played worse than the Magic was the Celtics. I don't know, pick your favorite.
If there's one thing I've learned from politicians it's that when something doesn't go the way you want it to, the first thing you need to do is point fingers. Blame the person at fault, blame the person next to him and then blame his parents for bringing him up that way. Just blame someone else. Let's start off with Ray Allen. I love you Ray, you're my favorite player but what the hell was wrong with you tonight? It wasn't just that couldn't sink a bucket to save your own life, it's that you made horrible passes and turned the ball over stupidly. Lesson 1: All the Celtics need to write this down, if you see a Green jersey you want to pass to, before releasing the ball make sure there isn't a White jersey between the two of you. Handing the ball to the other team is a surefire way to look like a bunch of idiots instead of world champions. Who should I point at next? Pierce. Paul Pierce, self proclaimed greatest player in the world (and I love him too but I'm pissed). How about you show up for more than the last 6 minutes? Yeah, he had an okay game but he kept passing the ball off when he should have been taking shots. You're a scorer. Score. Rondo. I've actually got nothing to say about Rondo, he played a fantastic game. Perkins. Stop fucking travelling. When you get the ball you get to dribble until you stop. At that point, you can move one foot but the other one (called the pivot foot) doesn't get to move, it's rooted to the spot it was at when you stopped dribbling. That's pretty basic stuff. Somehow you snuck into the NBA without understanding it. Stop dribbling, planting and then taking 3 steps towards the basket to put it up. Yeah, I know it's the NBA and everyone travels, but even NBA players should know you can't be that blatant and expect to get away with it. Eddie House. I'm not mad at House per se, I'm mad he wasn't in the game more. He's always good for instant offense and when we needed it in the 4th quarter we didn't have him. Which brings me to Doc Rivers. Why the hell wasn't Eddie House in the game? Why couldn't you get your team back in the game after half time, at which point they'd already started fading? You might guess who's coming next. KG. Yup, his sidelined with an injury and that's why I'm pissed at him. If you were in there this game would have been locked up. Shit, we wouldn't have had to push through a 7 game series with Chicago and we'd be better rested. Don't get me started.
I'm not done. I haven't torn into the Magic yet. Like Dwight Howard who bitched publicly after the last game that he didn't get the ball enough. The reason is every time you put up that ugly hook shot it bounces off the rim into Boston hands. Don't act like you're a God because you get boards. A retarded albino with tourettes could get 12 rebounds a game if he was your size. You're bigger than everyone else on the court, you should be getting the rebounds. Shut up. Turkoglu. I hate him, I really do. I'll admit up front he's good but that only makes me hate him worse. I'm not even sure what it is about him, but he's my least favorite player on their team by far. I'm glad he sucked balls tonight. Alston. I'm glad he had a shitty night too. Next time you slap one of our players in the back of the head for "throwing an elbow" (which in slow motion looked a lot like House just brushing past him gently) I hope you get your ass kicked. Who else? Oh, I know. Joakim Noah. I hate Noah. I hate him so much that even though he isn't even in this series and we've already beaten his team I'm mad at him. Just thinking about the NBA and being angry makes me think of Noah and when I think of Noah I want to hit things. He's one of the least likeable players in the entire sport.
Not done. ESPN. Yup, that's right. I am pissed off at ESPN for having the very worst basketball coverage I've ever seen. Your commentators sucked and were less interesting than Ben Stein lecturing on the technical advantages of the already extinct HD-DVD format. After every single play, even unsuccesful ones, the fat, round guy had to say, "And I really liked that". Didn't matter which team, didn't matter if it was in fact a good play. It could be a turnover and this guy would tell us how much he liked what had just happened. I'm going to welcome Reggie and Marv back into my house with open arms after this. And worse than that, is that they assume that everyone watching this possible elimination game is actually just killing time until the Lakers-Rockets game. Honestly, in the 2nd half of the game they kept downsizing the ACTUAL PLAYOFF GAME between 2 of the most popular teams in the sport to show some asshole sitting in the lockerroom listening to an iPod. Or reading something intently. They even interviewed a guy from the Rockets and muted the game during it. Here's a thought that might just break your hearts considering you promoted the living shit out of Kobe Doin Work all night: not everyone watches basketball just to see what Kobe and Lebron do. Not everybody likes those guys. If you want to do a pregame where you can cup the sack of the Lakers and Rockets players, fine. Do it on ESPN2 instead of interupting a game that people want to watch. I hope I never have to watch another game on ESPN for as long as I live. Go TNT.
*Sigh* Alright, alright I think I'm done. You know what? I do feel better. Sometimes a sports fan needs to hate on his team to get things done. But they're still your team after. And I still hope the Celtics come out with a decisive Game 7 victory over the Magic. They just can't play the way they did tonight.
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