My BPD Love Letter

I'm posting on a Friday because I feel compelled to bitch. Dedicated readers will remember me complaining about a parking ticket I received about a month ago. They will also remember that the excessive fine amounting to $45 for simply parking on a residential street with plenty of spaces. About 10 minutes ago, just before I got online to check my email, I sorted through my mail. There on top was a notice from the Burlington Police Department. Curious, because I may or may not have completely forgotten about the ticket, I opened it up. That's when my mood went from TGIF to Fuck You. Contained in this wonderful little envelope of law enforcement love was a notice that my fine was being increased due to delinquency of payment. 12 extra bucks tacked onto an already overpriced fine; wonderful. But that honestly didn't bother me nearly as much as this next part. The third paragraph of the love letter went like this:

Effective August 01, 2005 - If you have accumulated a total of $50.00 or more in unpaid parking fines, ANY VEHICLE owned by you may be impounded and towed pursuant to Burlington City Ordinance Section 20-79

Makes you feel warm and tingly inside doesn't it? Well it did for me. Warm and tingly in the "I'm going to rip the arms off the first person I see so I can beat them to death with some manner of weapon" sort of way. Very warm and tingly.

I'm going to keep this short because I have neither the time, nor the inclination to spend more than 10 minutes on this stupid, worthless piece of paper. My total fine is now up to $57.00, that's the original cost of the ticket, plus the late fee. Now, $57 is approximately how much I pay every month to have a cell phone. I would enjoy not having to pay it, but it's ultimately a small chunk of change. The fact that the local police department in the largest municipality in the state has the legal ability to impound my $25,000 car for half a c-note is beyond ludicrous to me. Hell, the 50 is the new 20 anyway. Apparently in August of '05 the department was having some trouble amassing the appropriate funds for their annual donut fund and decided that unpaid parking tickets were a real threat to the commonwealth. Well fuck you very much, I disagree. Parking infractions run along the same lines as jaywalking and public urination in terms of seriousness. Everyone does them because they need to be done. Especially the urination. I have a friend who was once ticketed for parking his car in the wrong direction on a street where every other car was parked pointing a different way. WHAT?! If you're douche bag enough to park in a handicapped spot needlessly, I believe the officer should simply shoot out all 4 tires on your car. If you park directly in front of a fire hydrant in such a way that a burning building cannot be extinguished, the fire engine should be allowed to plow you out of the way. And if you park in any spot that isn't really a spot or somewhere that blocks an emergency lane, a road, or someones driveway, your car should be at the mercy of the Po-9. However, in virtually every other instance there really isn't a good reason to even enforce parking violations, let alone tow someones very expensive mode of transportation simply because they're taking their damn sweet time to pay one. Why didn't I pay it? Partly as a matter of principle, and partly because I honestly just forgot I even had it.

Bitter? Check. Pissed off? Check Check. And here's the real tragedy of all this: Picture yourself walking back to your car after meeting a friend who is back in town for only a day or two. Upon reaching your vehicle you notice that two of your windows have been smashed out and your iPod, stereo, watch, CD case and brand spanking new copy of Transformers on DVD are missing. But what's this, there's an orange envelope tossed on your front seat, resting on shards of broken glass. Looking up the street in despair you see the officer halfway up the block still citing vehicles for parking infractions. You run up to the officer just as he gets back into his cruiser and try to explain to him that your car was broken into and several items of yours were stolen. He replies, in an aggravated tone, that many people's vehicles were broken into tonight. There seems to be a group of people doing this at various locations throughout the city on weekends. Realizing only now that he must have seen the mess they left because the ticket he wrote was inside of your car, you ask him what the deal is. He tells you that you were parked illegally, son. Enraged, you ask the officer how he could ignore the obvious damage to your vehicle and ticket you for some minor technicality when there are serious crimes occurring. In response, he looks at you with a special blend of condescending mockery and contempt. Then he tells you that you both realize the odds of actually catching the person who did that to your car (and numerous other cars) are slim to none. He then explains that they (the police) focus on the lawbreakers they can actually catch. That means you, you dirty bastard who parked on a resident only street. Then, just as he's pulling away to leave, reaching for yet another powdered jelly in the passenger seat, he turns to you and says: "Be sure to pay that ticket, now."

Ridiculous anecdote or accurate portrait of the current state of law enforcement? Maybe it's both, who knows. I'll let you decide. Me, I've got to go out of my way to pay for this ticket which I received for hurting no one and parking my car for the weekend instead of driving it around drunk. I hope you'll excuse me for walking funny, but I think I may have just been fist-fucked by the long arm of the law.